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i'm just trying to evolve.

i don't know what it's been lately.. but everyone seems like they've been pissy and confrontational. including me. the past few weeks have just been crazy.

tonight on gay.com about made me sick. liam and i were trying to debate factual information about a topic, and this other person.. who i was usually friendly with.. was making it very personal and hostile, being snide and mocking and generally just an asshole.

and it bothered me so much. but it forces me to consider how often i'm snide, or hostile, or mocking, especially online. faery pointed out, and it was a bit of a kick in the stomach considering its veracity, that he's seen me entirely dismiss someone as ignorant because of their tastes in music.

i know i've considered this before.. and a lot of the online fighting i've done in the past, i've stopped completely. even some of my former worst enemies i am now at least cordial with.

but i know that i am still just as apt to, if not always over something so trivial as music, consider someone a complete moron and waste of human life for being, say, a bush-loving republican.

how do i reconcile these differences? i really feel like i need to work harder to banish negative energy from my life. but when it comes to the hardcore issues like politics or religion, these feelings are completely visceral. certain beliefs are so, so contrary to my mindset, and so antagonistic to my way of life, it's so very difficult to not treat these people as "the enemy."

i very much hate being a hypocrite, which is why this topic bothers me so much. if i can't accept these these "enemies" are just people with different ideologies, different values, then can i bemoan others being hostile and insulting to me for having different beliefs.

but is it even realistic to say, "i'm going to eradicate all my hatred of those who believe or behave differently from me?" how far could that extend? to take it to an extreme level, should one be ashamed of hatred one would have towards groups like nazis, or islamic jihadists, or the kkk? is it really a huge difference between having the desire to actually kill people cause one hates their way of life, and just wanting to crush their way of life through oppression or theocracy?

of course there's a big difference between all that and meaningless gay.com arguments - but what i'm saying is that all these feelings drill down with different levels of intensity from legitimate disagreements to frivolous internet catfights.

anyway. maybe it's all about knowing when to rise above it. maybe i'll never banish all negativity, all loathing, considering the depth of my passion for my own ideological beliefs. but i could decrease the amount.

and i could do that immediately by spending less time in the hotbed of hostility and negativity that is gay.com. it's really difficult not to let hostility escalate in there, because the place is absolutely and almost constantly frothing with it. and i really, really should to try to stay out of there. but that goes into a whole other issue of socializing, how without the constant chatting of gay.com, i have no source of constant interaction, and the sense of isolation gets too much to handle.

but i need more friends for that. i don't know why it's so difficult for me to make and keep friends. especially male friends. one friendship with a certain male has sort of gone down the tubes it seems, and i'm not entirely sure why. i think part of it, and this is my fault, is the nature of friendships i usually try to make. after it takes me a really significant amount of time to reach a level of comfort with someone (which i think is often interpreted as coldness), i get into friendships in which i am overly dependent.

i believe that i am overly paranoid about being abandoned, and so i probably perceive a lot of actions as "pulling away" that really aren't. then i get more scared of being abandoned, and so pull away myself and become defensive. usually in a passive-aggressive way, to see if that person will show any hurt by my pulling away - and if they don't, because their sensitivity is not as high as mine, i just get more hurt, and it escalates until there is legitimate alienation and the friendship pretty much dissolves.

i confuse myself sometimes. and contradict myself a lot. but despite the hostility i often feel, i feel that deep down, i am a genuinely nice person. resentment covers it, bitterness covers it, but i think that most of the time, when i'm not being antagonized, i tend to be a nicer, more compassionate person than most. and i think this is a big difference i have with a lot of gay males. or just males in general. i avoid engaging in mockery for sport, i try to remain constantly cognizant of whether the things i do or say hurt someone's feelings. not that i'm always nice - i know i occasionally participate in the old bully practice of tearing someone down when i'm feeling low. but i truly believe that these moments are usually defensive, and not just for sport.

this has become a ridiculously long big of self-psychoanalysis, and has little to do with my original topic anymore. but it all ties into the same thread i think, the thread that has been really running direct center through my mind lately, which is, what creates the world i am in, and how can i get out of it?

because i easily recognize the cycles, the motivations, all the different bits that make me live the life i am now living. well, many of them. i know what many of the negative behaviors are, and how they all intertwine together - and how deep the roots are. i can't expect to just grab one and yank - it has to be a coordinated, vigilant effort to cut them out at the very source, before they metastasize and trigger other reactions.

because there are behaviors i could change that would easily improve other aspects of my life. but i can't merely attack the behaviors - i have to attack their root causes, the deeply seeded emotions that caused the behaviors, and also the sources of those emotions. and when you become a certain person, it's just not easy to fundamentally change the person you are. it's complex.

but it's a complexity i have to engage in. i have to start yanking threads, digging in my heels, tackling each and every behavior, every moment, every emotion. is this a positive behavior, is this a positive emotion, if this is unhealthy is there some way to extricate yourself from the situation? is there a reason you have to continue interacting with this person?

and the first step now is to stop foreshadowing my failure to do so by dwelling on my failure to do so in the past. we are all constantly evolving creatures, and there's no reason that this time, this effort, can't be the time it's successful. it's a process. and i'm constantly learning.