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oh hi, livejournal.

i miss you.

that's all for now. but someday i'll write in you again. when i'm in the next phase. i promise. <333

written words for slipping memories.

i never post in here any more. well that's not necessarily true, i've posted at least three times this month, i think. what i mean is, i don't post in here like i used to. and i should. i really should, because, well, like tonight, espressolotus linked to an entry from exactly two years ago, wondering what the hell we were talking about - and it was that awesome beltane "festival," and it's just so fun to go back and see all the little things you might have forgotten, see exactly what you were doing and thinking years ago. i read a couple days further, talking about bright eyes, and leaving that last class with him.. and.. gosh. i'm just very sensitive about losing memories, because, over the years, so many, almost all, of the physical objects were lost or destroyed, and so losing these moments to the obfuscating sands of memory, is something that is irrationally scary and sad to me. and i just don't want myself to stop writing things down, to have nothing to come back to later..

okay, i've been reading another augusten burroughs memoir, one of the collections of essays, and it's just gotten me in a strange mood again, i don't know.. i identify with him, and it makes me look at my life, and, not even ever to sell or anything, i just want to write everything down.

and i also wonder if maybe i should just write a fucking book. not necessarily about myself or anything, but i just mean, in general. i need something, and when he talked about what it was like to write his first book, just the sheer accomplishment of having created a book from nothing, even if it was a crap book, you've still written a book. it's just something i can completely imagine, i can so easily imagine that feeling, and i crave it. because all my life, teachers, family, friends have told me, you're a great writer, your writing is so great, you should be a writer. and i've accepted this, and yet, constantly tell myself - no. there's no way you could be a writer. you could produce nothing of quality.

but why can't i? tons of people do it. i am technically capable of doing it. and even if it totally sucked, and was interesting only to me, and nobody else ever read it, you know. at least i'd have that feeling, of making something that didn't exist before. the act of creation.

and then, in a way, and back to the original point, i do have that - it's chaotic, and intermittent, sometimes cryptic or filled with holes, but this livejournal, now over 2500 entries, is a work all in itself. all together, it tells a story, the only written record of many years of my life. and as time races on, seemingly ever faster, and the details slip away, i will be even more glad that i took the time to write things down.

and i need to continue, and do it more.


this entry was originally supposed to be about things that are going on, and not just some dumb meta entry about how i like that i make entries and need to make more.. about the things that go on? but then i got sidetracked. and now my slight inebriation is making it ever more difficult to continue to hold my head up, so, good night for now.


it's only a year away!

i just thought it'd be nice to take a moment to reflect on the fact that in less than a year from now, george w. bush will no longer be president. can't you almost just taste it? it's beautiful. what a long fucking eight years this has been.

and not only that, but we have a pretty good fucking chance of, on that day, also having a democratic black man, or a woman, as our president. and despite being burned twice, goddamnit, i believe!


virtue and vigilance.

there is only one real answer.

so, virtue and vigilance.

we'll just attack it all at once.

we'll buy a blank book, and fill it.

i could be a whole different person.


i'm just trying to evolve.

i don't know what it's been lately.. but everyone seems like they've been pissy and confrontational. including me. the past few weeks have just been crazy.

tonight on gay.com about made me sick. liam and i were trying to debate factual information about a topic, and this other person.. who i was usually friendly with.. was making it very personal and hostile, being snide and mocking and generally just an asshole.

and it bothered me so much. but it forces me to consider how often i'm snide, or hostile, or mocking, especially online. faery pointed out, and it was a bit of a kick in the stomach considering its veracity, that he's seen me entirely dismiss someone as ignorant because of their tastes in music.

i know i've considered this before.. and a lot of the online fighting i've done in the past, i've stopped completely. even some of my former worst enemies i am now at least cordial with.

but i know that i am still just as apt to, if not always over something so trivial as music, consider someone a complete moron and waste of human life for being, say, a bush-loving republican.

how do i reconcile these differences? i really feel like i need to work harder to banish negative energy from my life. but when it comes to the hardcore issues like politics or religion, these feelings are completely visceral. certain beliefs are so, so contrary to my mindset, and so antagonistic to my way of life, it's so very difficult to not treat these people as "the enemy."

i very much hate being a hypocrite, which is why this topic bothers me so much. if i can't accept these these "enemies" are just people with different ideologies, different values, then can i bemoan others being hostile and insulting to me for having different beliefs.

but is it even realistic to say, "i'm going to eradicate all my hatred of those who believe or behave differently from me?" how far could that extend? to take it to an extreme level, should one be ashamed of hatred one would have towards groups like nazis, or islamic jihadists, or the kkk? is it really a huge difference between having the desire to actually kill people cause one hates their way of life, and just wanting to crush their way of life through oppression or theocracy?

of course there's a big difference between all that and meaningless gay.com arguments - but what i'm saying is that all these feelings drill down with different levels of intensity from legitimate disagreements to frivolous internet catfights.

anyway. maybe it's all about knowing when to rise above it. maybe i'll never banish all negativity, all loathing, considering the depth of my passion for my own ideological beliefs. but i could decrease the amount.

and i could do that immediately by spending less time in the hotbed of hostility and negativity that is gay.com. it's really difficult not to let hostility escalate in there, because the place is absolutely and almost constantly frothing with it. and i really, really should to try to stay out of there. but that goes into a whole other issue of socializing, how without the constant chatting of gay.com, i have no source of constant interaction, and the sense of isolation gets too much to handle.

but i need more friends for that. i don't know why it's so difficult for me to make and keep friends. especially male friends. one friendship with a certain male has sort of gone down the tubes it seems, and i'm not entirely sure why. i think part of it, and this is my fault, is the nature of friendships i usually try to make. after it takes me a really significant amount of time to reach a level of comfort with someone (which i think is often interpreted as coldness), i get into friendships in which i am overly dependent.

i believe that i am overly paranoid about being abandoned, and so i probably perceive a lot of actions as "pulling away" that really aren't. then i get more scared of being abandoned, and so pull away myself and become defensive. usually in a passive-aggressive way, to see if that person will show any hurt by my pulling away - and if they don't, because their sensitivity is not as high as mine, i just get more hurt, and it escalates until there is legitimate alienation and the friendship pretty much dissolves.

i confuse myself sometimes. and contradict myself a lot. but despite the hostility i often feel, i feel that deep down, i am a genuinely nice person. resentment covers it, bitterness covers it, but i think that most of the time, when i'm not being antagonized, i tend to be a nicer, more compassionate person than most. and i think this is a big difference i have with a lot of gay males. or just males in general. i avoid engaging in mockery for sport, i try to remain constantly cognizant of whether the things i do or say hurt someone's feelings. not that i'm always nice - i know i occasionally participate in the old bully practice of tearing someone down when i'm feeling low. but i truly believe that these moments are usually defensive, and not just for sport.

this has become a ridiculously long big of self-psychoanalysis, and has little to do with my original topic anymore. but it all ties into the same thread i think, the thread that has been really running direct center through my mind lately, which is, what creates the world i am in, and how can i get out of it?

because i easily recognize the cycles, the motivations, all the different bits that make me live the life i am now living. well, many of them. i know what many of the negative behaviors are, and how they all intertwine together - and how deep the roots are. i can't expect to just grab one and yank - it has to be a coordinated, vigilant effort to cut them out at the very source, before they metastasize and trigger other reactions.

because there are behaviors i could change that would easily improve other aspects of my life. but i can't merely attack the behaviors - i have to attack their root causes, the deeply seeded emotions that caused the behaviors, and also the sources of those emotions. and when you become a certain person, it's just not easy to fundamentally change the person you are. it's complex.

but it's a complexity i have to engage in. i have to start yanking threads, digging in my heels, tackling each and every behavior, every moment, every emotion. is this a positive behavior, is this a positive emotion, if this is unhealthy is there some way to extricate yourself from the situation? is there a reason you have to continue interacting with this person?

and the first step now is to stop foreshadowing my failure to do so by dwelling on my failure to do so in the past. we are all constantly evolving creatures, and there's no reason that this time, this effort, can't be the time it's successful. it's a process. and i'm constantly learning.

ohhh, you're a gay dot com suicide..

someone from gay.com killed himself, apparently.

one of the, hm, how would i say - well, if we were relating high school cliques to gay.com cliques, one of the jocks. one whom all the most well-known and prominent st. louis gay.com members seem to have known. i'm familiar with him, seeing him online in the room for many years, since i've been there. this summer, i met him once, at jj's. i was struck at how quiet and non-combative he seemed, being an ALL CAPPER. i had to remind myself again that people aren't necessarily their online personas. we didn't really talk though.

and now, he's dead. and gay.com is somber, eulogizing him and reminiscing over the events of their friendships. many, even names of true gay.com infamy, remarked that they'd been crying all morning. i was bewildered, to see this arena of cattery and hostility dismantled in a moment of shared grief. these people are just people.

it's weird, to have death even this close on the periphery. i know i won't be able to say this forever, and that's scary enough, but - no one i've ever cared about has ever died, i've never even been to a funeral. the reality of mortality has always been a terrifying concept but never something i've been forced to face in my own life.

and.. i don't know that i really have anything else to say. it was just a strange moment, a strange aura, to be reminded of the bigger picture, and to remember that everyone, even behind the random spewing text of gay.com screen names, there's a human there, a person, with their own life, and world, and joy, and grief.

people are just people, they shouldn't make you nervous, the world is everlasting, it's coming and it's going..

am i not smarter than a fifth grader?

dude. i rented yu-gi-oh! world championship 2007 for my DS, because i need entertainment to pass the tedium at work. so i start playing it today, go through the like, THIRTY tutorials, and fiiiinally start playing..

and got my ass fucking kicked, again and again and again. yu-gi-oh is fucking COMPLICATED. so fucking complicated. and really hard.

how the fuck do kids play this shit? this goes above and beyond the complexity of Magic: the Gathering, or at least when i used to play it (if they've still been adding rules all these years, it's probably pretty fucking complicated itself, now. i could never even fully understand how phasing worked.)

i mean seriously, i'm twenty-two, and in fucking mensa. if this shit is confounding to me, i'm really impressed that there are thirteen, fourteen year old kids playing this crap.

then again, if most kids are anything like my brothers, the cards are something to merely collect, and not ever actually play a game with.

though for the sake of the parents in the world, i hope most kids aren't anything like my brothers, lol.

nutella ella ella eh eh eh

we'll make some toast and toast together,
smile as i push down the lever,
can't wait to pop it up again,
once it's golden-brown we'll know when,
and now we're hungrier than ever,
but babe, put down that peanut butter,
you can have some of my nutella,
you can have some of my nutella,
ella, ella, eh, eh, eh...

i love conor oberst.

just so we're clear, i want to marry conor oberst.

oh gods. it's so beautiful.


to prey on the weak.

what i want most of all is someone to feel pain with,
be misunderstood together, but, baby, baby, i feel you,
i'll keep you from breaking, it'll stop me from breaking, baby.

when a boy tells me he's depressed, my heart opens wide -
and if he could cry while listening to bright eyes, well..

being needed is what i need very most of all,
and that's, that's a nice bit of codependency.

you can see perhaps how this destroys my relationships.

the kind who tells you she's bipolar just to make you trust her..


i have an inability to step back and look at the big picture, to tie everything into some kind of master fabric - each day is a different day, and i feel how i feel right now, and it's possibly the only thing i've ever felt - ever. that and the thick distortion of memory, everything ideal and distant, like watching a non-me myself in a strange film of how things used to be. it's too easy to lose people, as they wash out into characters on nostalgia tv - some coping mechanism that grew up with me, as i was always leaving.

it runs deep, until i figure out how i'll distract myself for the time at hand.

take the fruit from the tree, break the skin with your teeth, is it bitter or sweet? all depends on your timing.. like a meeting of chance, with a train station glance, many lifetimes have passed, in an instant reminded..


i really fucking hate nickelback.

i hate nickelback. more than anyone else. and i know at least two people that call nickelback their favorite band. and then there's the RINGTONES. god. now, because all alt-rock goat-voice male singers sound the same, all the songs that i hate and think are nickelback might not actually be. but it doesn't matter. to even put one brain cell towards distinguishing these horrid, soul-destroying songs apart would be a colossal, unforgivable waste. it's all nickelback to me, and i hate them. loathe them. despise them.

it's not just that i don't like them, or that they suck, it's that what they create is a true affront to nature and the universe - it is an abomination in the most true, literal sense.

but what, what makes it so very worst of all is that they are incredibly popular. that i know people who love them. it makes me sad that i live in a world in which people could choose nickelback of all bands in existence to be their very favorite. to live among these people causes me great distress, that they are why nickelback exist, and why every 'alternative' radio station plays them incessantly. because these people are the majority. awful, awful people in great, unstoppable numbers.

yes, nickelback's popularity is exactly why i simply cannot put any faith in humanity at all.

you think i exaggerate, but i am entirely serious.

happiness is happening, lol.

oh, how i weep that i will forever have a boring american accent. tonight i was listening to a call-in talk radio show about legal advice. a 76 year-old russian woman called in who'd been in the united states for 56 years but still had that awesome russian accent.

and her name was, well, something i can't remember, but the host kept calling her 'luda,' and well, it made me laugh that i thought of ludacris being an old russian woman.

meanwhile, i think i'm soon going to tire of playing final fantasy xii. it's getting to that part where the grinding just gets to be too much and i have to stop for at least several months, lol. or whenever my next, 'hey, i'm going to play a video game obsessively for a while' phase rolls around.

speaking of video games, it's funny to me that i obsessed over getting a wii and then got one, and then realized there aren't any games out for it that i even want to buy.

which makes me think - hey nintendo - you totally mindfucked me, didn't you? you knew that if you made enough wiis to make them easily available, that i might have actually chewed over whether i really wanted one right now.

but by telling me hey, you can't have one, there aren't any anywhere, you made me have to get one. well played, you bastards!

but seriously, i'm just waiting for animal crossing, hah hah hah. loser am i.

i've noticed recently that in conversation, especially with coworkers, i say 'oh wow,' way too much. sometimes i'm a truly awful conversationalist. people can say anything and i say, 'oh wow.' sometimes as the reply to several things in a row. and i fear people consider it to be disinterest when it's not, i just sometimes don't have anything substantial to respond with.

my mother can talk for hours about anything in the world, to anyone. i can not. i am the exact opposite. i think that's why i've always loved the internets so much. i am a better writer than i am a talker, and thus, a better typer. .. but not always. sometimes 'oh wow' just becomes 'lol.'

meanwhile, this song, lol. fucked up. i love it.



just so we're clear, St. Louis-style pizza is an abomination.

it seriously confounds me that people actually eat this disgusting shit. Provel cheese is also an abomination. it doesn't even meet the FDA requirements to be called cheese.

when i was a kid here in St. Louis and my grandma always ordered Imo's pizza (and she still always does), it always pissed me off because i thought it was gross. i never knew why she, or anyone else, liked this disgusting perversion of so-called 'pizza.' of course, my idea of pizza was Domino's or Pizza Hut, which are also abominations.

real pizza, good pizza, is Chicago-style Pizza. thin crust, preferably. i ate it for the first time when i lived up there a few years ago, and it saddens me greatly that the thin crust Chicago-style is almost impossible to find outside of Chicago. i miss it terribly, and dream of the day i make it back to visit Chicago and Giordano's, the most delicious pizza in the whole fucking country.

tori the warrior woman.

oh snap.

reading the Wikipedia entry on Tori Amos's so far untitled new album slated for release next April is incredibly reassuring after the beekeeping snoozefest.

for one, she is supposedly bringing back a motherfucking harpsichord for the first time since Boys for Pele. "I'm in the middle (of the making the new album). I feel like Albert Einstein with my hair out to here, and I put my finger in an electric socket, and I'm editing and blowing things up, and bringing harpsichords back in and Whurleys in and out, and pianos, and, you know I'm in the middle of the mad scientist phase." FUCK YES.

she also claims that it will be a complete departure from the softer side of Tori we've seen the last five years - that she's been more soft and fluffy because, well, this is what she said - "I think that this new work -- it's too early to say -- but this is a very different chapter. Certainly, since I've been a mother. You haven't really felt this Tori in a while...I didn't want [Tash] looking and hearing me and thinking, 'Oh my God, that's a scary lady!'"

also - she's hinting at something not only more rock and roll, but (please say it's true!) more political - "In 2007 we'll tour again with the new record that we're working on now. The box set is the end of an era - it's very much about pulling everything together over the last fifteen years before I jump ship. You have to sense what is going on in the world - it's a really disturbing place right now. A few years ago I had more confidence that people would make the right choices for our leaders in America and they didn't. So therefore it's time to take the gloves off."

and in the same vein, talking about the box set - "The end of an era. The last fifteen years of my life, then I'm going to do something a little different. I've got something up my sleeve. I'm thinking of high heels and creating; my daughter is six now so she can understand that there's a Tori who can't go to school. You can't take that to school. You can take mommy to school, but there's a side that has to now go confront certain issues in America that need to be addressed. I only haven't a certain kind of bush, not the kind that would win presidency in America."

ohhhhhhhhhhh man. i am so fucking excited. i can't wait for Tori to redeem herself, well, not to redeem herself, she's already created so much brilliance, she doesn't need to prove anything. but The Beekeeper was just so disappointing, and i was afraid it was 'the new Tori,' and that we'd never get another taste of the Pele or Choirgirl Tori. but if what comes next is anything like what she's been describing, my fears were unfounded. and i can not wait!

"I have a Warrior Woman inside of me that will come out on the next record."

watch as i lay down some sick rhymes.

so on february 17th, 1999, i was at a food pantry in rocky mount, nc, with my church's youth group.. probably supposed to be doing something helpful and constructive, but i doubt i was. i did however, find a box of flan mix. my fascination with my discovery prompted me to burst into a song of its praises.

when we arrived for dinner back at the church, i wrote it down for posterity.

here is that song.

Ode to Flan

Flan, Oh Flan, Amazing Flan,
You come in a box, not in a can,
much more yummy than sardines or spam,
Flan, Oh Flan, Delectable Flan!

Flan, Oh Flan, calming and mellow,
Gelatinous, round, and orangish-yellow,
Goes great with champagne or Mello Yello,
Flan, You're Great!, from the rooftops I bellow!

Flan, Oh Flan, so artificial,
Resembling fleshy human tissue,
Any who'd eat you really's got issues,
Don't ever leave me, I know I would miss you!


it would be sometime later in my life, or maybe that year, that i would actually both order and consume flan at some mexican restaurant, and realize that i had been spiritually drawn to it by sheer virtue of its profound deliciousness.

Voice Post

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friends only.


this journal is friends only.

please comment and add me to your friends list and i will be happy to add you to mine. ^_^

(friends-only graphic made by herhorizon)

gir is love!

hah hah, making these is addicting.

gir is love.

<p><center><img src="http://img6.photobucket.com/albums/v19/zakk_the_faerie/girlove.jpg"><BR><a href="http://www.livejournal.com/users/datura/287007.html">gir is love.</a></center></p>


Manson is love.

i know, i know, another gratuitous color bar, but this one is different...
cause i made it! how exciting, eh?

marilyn manson is love.

<img src=http://img6.photobucket.com/albums/v19/zakk_the_faerie/mansonblue.jpg></a><BR>
<a href=http://www.livejournal.com/users/datura/286505.html>marilyn manson is love.</a></center></p>