~*~
It gets exhausting being so iconoclastic. I always found it odd, my peers who'd struggle to 'fit in,' because that was never what I wanted. Was I designed to be this way? I remember my father arguing, fine, be gay, but don't let it be who you are. Don't let it define you.

And that's easy enough to say. And it's reasonable advice.

But.. sometimes I think it may be difficult for many to understand, what it's like in that first moment. That moment in which, as a young child, you realize what you are. A fag. The gold standard of grade-school taunts, the most sick, the most loathed, the worst name you could be called, and it sinks in, you are one. And there's not a goddamn thing you can do about it.

A line is drawn in your brain, now it's you versus everyone you know, you versus your father, you versus the church, you versus the government, you versus freaking everyone. Before you really know love, you know hatred.

And you can let all that seep in, and you can let it destroy you. Or you can try to shove it down, deny it, lie your way along while it gnaws voraciously at the fiber of your being. Or you can pick all that up, and use it as a bludgeon. You can sew it on your sleeve and say, "Fuck you, I never liked you, and I never wanted in your society anyway."

And that's what I did. I hated them back. Despite my perpetual unemotive outsides, the kindling of rage was lit in my heart, and the flames grew ever higher and higher. I took up my queer warrior mantle, that whole idea of 'pride,' and used it to preemptively dismiss any attack. I clung closely to all the things that made me different, and stuck to them as points of glory.

And I dreamt, dreamt deeply, of the eventual rainbow paradise I would find, that the internet assured me was out there to be found. They'd all have gone through what I did, and they'd all feel the same as me, all be like me. Someday, the things that made me different would be what made me fit in. And so I realize now, that though I so loved the differences in myself, though I used them to build my very identity, I, too, still wanted to be a part of a group. I too wanted to fit in.

When I came out, and moved away, and joined a gay youth support group, I thought I had found it. I felt like I'd come home. But soon enough, the reality set in. We were gay, but it didn't make us the same. And it didn't make us like each other. My differences were still differences, and I felt all the more betrayed. They tore apart my vision, my idealism, my last great hope of true gay brotherhood. Most of these people were nothing like me, and some of them were outright traitors, gay republicans, gay christians, shallow and obsequious hangers-on to a heteronormative lifestyle.

Of course, each of them, originally, had that moment, the moment they realized they were gay. Each of them went through the same cataclysmic moment of schism from the society they were born into. And all of them, they have their own rage, their own venom, the same overcompensatory defense systems. I'd be wise to keep that in mind, but I don't.

Because I grew to hate them too. Their cruelty was greater than all the mean straight boys combined, because they were supposed to be my allies. And from the deathbed of my idealism sprung an all-consuming bitterness, and I unsheathed my blade once more.

So I rage, and I fight. I catalogue my differences, my passionate, unyielding opinions, and I raze all the land without. And, as most those who secretly suffer from the sin of not belonging do, I cast my ideas and beliefs in gold, and spit on all others, condescending in the safety of knowing that I wasn't just different, I was better. They just didn't understand, couldn't understand.

And as I grow further and further away from people, even by my own hand, all of it intensifies, including my emotional vulnerability. But this weakness grows ever more important to hide, and it's much less risky to make them hate you than to try to make you like them and have them reject you anyway. A friendship must be cultivated, and the dissolution feared, every word you say carefully measured lest it be the one that turns them against you. But enemies require no effort, and avoid vulnerability, the chasm of difference built on abstract differences of opinion instead of wounded feelings.

But the point, of all of this, is that I come to realize what a lonely existence this is. I can make them hate me, but I cannot make them all suffer, I cannot make them all pay. For every argument I feel I win, my true gains are nothing, only feeding the engine of hatred, building great walls of isolation that trap me in as much as they keep my enemies out.

I will never agree with Republicans, or Christians, or in fact, most people. But, I must hope, I can douse these flames of anger, stop pouring every bit of emotional energy into hatred just because it's the easiest place to put it. I can celebrate the common ground, and focus on those I love, instead of those I hate. And I can simply find the joy in my own passions and interests, instead of heaping disdain on those who feel differently.

Finally, I must recognize that saying all this does not make it easy. I can not flip a switch in my brain from pessimist to optimist, from hatred to love. Vowing to stop attacking Christians, Republicans, etc does not mean I will befriend them, like them, or respect their dangerous, damaging views. But I can ignore them. I can accept that our interactions are unnecessary, meaningless, a negative and complete waste of time.

And though I am at heart a realist, I still believe there is something behind the so-called "Law of Attraction," that by constantly focusing on all the negative, enraging fighting and clawing, I am inviting more and more negativity into my subconscious and my life, strangling away any room for positivity and happiness.

So this is it. I demand of myself that I stop giving in and showing off my deepest scars and darkest shadows. I rebuke the perpetual state of victimhood that has me ever sharpening my claws for the next preemptive attack. And I will begin the likely life-long task of polishing out my own flaws, rather than building my spotlight to shine on the flaws of others.

~*~
i don't know what it's been lately.. but everyone seems like they've been pissy and confrontational. including me. the past few weeks have just been crazy.

tonight on gay.com about made me sick. liam and i were trying to debate factual information about a topic, and this other person.. who i was usually friendly with.. was making it very personal and hostile, being snide and mocking and generally just an asshole.

and it bothered me so much. but it forces me to consider how often i'm snide, or hostile, or mocking, especially online. faery pointed out, and it was a bit of a kick in the stomach considering its veracity, that he's seen me entirely dismiss someone as ignorant because of their tastes in music.

i know i've considered this before.. and a lot of the online fighting i've done in the past, i've stopped completely. even some of my former worst enemies i am now at least cordial with.

but i know that i am still just as apt to, if not always over something so trivial as music, consider someone a complete moron and waste of human life for being, say, a bush-loving republican.

how do i reconcile these differences? i really feel like i need to work harder to banish negative energy from my life. but when it comes to the hardcore issues like politics or religion, these feelings are completely visceral. certain beliefs are so, so contrary to my mindset, and so antagonistic to my way of life, it's so very difficult to not treat these people as "the enemy."

i very much hate being a hypocrite, which is why this topic bothers me so much. if i can't accept these these "enemies" are just people with different ideologies, different values, then can i bemoan others being hostile and insulting to me for having different beliefs.

but is it even realistic to say, "i'm going to eradicate all my hatred of those who believe or behave differently from me?" how far could that extend? to take it to an extreme level, should one be ashamed of hatred one would have towards groups like nazis, or islamic jihadists, or the kkk? is it really a huge difference between having the desire to actually kill people cause one hates their way of life, and just wanting to crush their way of life through oppression or theocracy?

of course there's a big difference between all that and meaningless gay.com arguments - but what i'm saying is that all these feelings drill down with different levels of intensity from legitimate disagreements to frivolous internet catfights.

anyway. maybe it's all about knowing when to rise above it. maybe i'll never banish all negativity, all loathing, considering the depth of my passion for my own ideological beliefs. but i could decrease the amount.

and i could do that immediately by spending less time in the hotbed of hostility and negativity that is gay.com. it's really difficult not to let hostility escalate in there, because the place is absolutely and almost constantly frothing with it. and i really, really should to try to stay out of there. but that goes into a whole other issue of socializing, how without the constant chatting of gay.com, i have no source of constant interaction, and the sense of isolation gets too much to handle.

but i need more friends for that. i don't know why it's so difficult for me to make and keep friends. especially male friends. one friendship with a certain male has sort of gone down the tubes it seems, and i'm not entirely sure why. i think part of it, and this is my fault, is the nature of friendships i usually try to make. after it takes me a really significant amount of time to reach a level of comfort with someone (which i think is often interpreted as coldness), i get into friendships in which i am overly dependent.

i believe that i am overly paranoid about being abandoned, and so i probably perceive a lot of actions as "pulling away" that really aren't. then i get more scared of being abandoned, and so pull away myself and become defensive. usually in a passive-aggressive way, to see if that person will show any hurt by my pulling away - and if they don't, because their sensitivity is not as high as mine, i just get more hurt, and it escalates until there is legitimate alienation and the friendship pretty much dissolves.

i confuse myself sometimes. and contradict myself a lot. but despite the hostility i often feel, i feel that deep down, i am a genuinely nice person. resentment covers it, bitterness covers it, but i think that most of the time, when i'm not being antagonized, i tend to be a nicer, more compassionate person than most. and i think this is a big difference i have with a lot of gay males. or just males in general. i avoid engaging in mockery for sport, i try to remain constantly cognizant of whether the things i do or say hurt someone's feelings. not that i'm always nice - i know i occasionally participate in the old bully practice of tearing someone down when i'm feeling low. but i truly believe that these moments are usually defensive, and not just for sport.

this has become a ridiculously long big of self-psychoanalysis, and has little to do with my original topic anymore. but it all ties into the same thread i think, the thread that has been really running direct center through my mind lately, which is, what creates the world i am in, and how can i get out of it?

because i easily recognize the cycles, the motivations, all the different bits that make me live the life i am now living. well, many of them. i know what many of the negative behaviors are, and how they all intertwine together - and how deep the roots are. i can't expect to just grab one and yank - it has to be a coordinated, vigilant effort to cut them out at the very source, before they metastasize and trigger other reactions.

because there are behaviors i could change that would easily improve other aspects of my life. but i can't merely attack the behaviors - i have to attack their root causes, the deeply seeded emotions that caused the behaviors, and also the sources of those emotions. and when you become a certain person, it's just not easy to fundamentally change the person you are. it's complex.

but it's a complexity i have to engage in. i have to start yanking threads, digging in my heels, tackling each and every behavior, every moment, every emotion. is this a positive behavior, is this a positive emotion, if this is unhealthy is there some way to extricate yourself from the situation? is there a reason you have to continue interacting with this person?

and the first step now is to stop foreshadowing my failure to do so by dwelling on my failure to do so in the past. we are all constantly evolving creatures, and there's no reason that this time, this effort, can't be the time it's successful. it's a process. and i'm constantly learning.

~*~
someone from gay.com killed himself, apparently.

one of the, hm, how would i say - well, if we were relating high school cliques to gay.com cliques, one of the jocks. one whom all the most well-known and prominent st. louis gay.com members seem to have known. i'm familiar with him, seeing him online in the room for many years, since i've been there. this summer, i met him once, at jj's. i was struck at how quiet and non-combative he seemed, being an ALL CAPPER. i had to remind myself again that people aren't necessarily their online personas. we didn't really talk though.

and now, he's dead. and gay.com is somber, eulogizing him and reminiscing over the events of their friendships. many, even names of true gay.com infamy, remarked that they'd been crying all morning. i was bewildered, to see this arena of cattery and hostility dismantled in a moment of shared grief. these people are just people.

it's weird, to have death even this close on the periphery. i know i won't be able to say this forever, and that's scary enough, but - no one i've ever cared about has ever died, i've never even been to a funeral. the reality of mortality has always been a terrifying concept but never something i've been forced to face in my own life.

and.. i don't know that i really have anything else to say. it was just a strange moment, a strange aura, to be reminded of the bigger picture, and to remember that everyone, even behind the random spewing text of gay.com screen names, there's a human there, a person, with their own life, and world, and joy, and grief.

people are just people, they shouldn't make you nervous, the world is everlasting, it's coming and it's going..

~*~
we'll make some toast and toast together,
smile as i push down the lever,
can't wait to pop it up again,
once it's golden-brown we'll know when,
and now we're hungrier than ever,
but babe, put down that peanut butter,
you can have some of my nutella,
you can have some of my nutella,
ella, ella, eh, eh, eh...

~*~

~*~
oh snap.

reading the Wikipedia entry on Tori Amos's so far untitled new album slated for release next April is incredibly reassuring after the beekeeping snoozefest.

for one, she is supposedly bringing back a motherfucking harpsichord for the first time since Boys for Pele. "I'm in the middle (of the making the new album). I feel like Albert Einstein with my hair out to here, and I put my finger in an electric socket, and I'm editing and blowing things up, and bringing harpsichords back in and Whurleys in and out, and pianos, and, you know I'm in the middle of the mad scientist phase." FUCK YES.

she also claims that it will be a complete departure from the softer side of Tori we've seen the last five years - that she's been more soft and fluffy because, well, this is what she said - "I think that this new work -- it's too early to say -- but this is a very different chapter. Certainly, since I've been a mother. You haven't really felt this Tori in a while...I didn't want [Tash] looking and hearing me and thinking, 'Oh my God, that's a scary lady!'"

also - she's hinting at something not only more rock and roll, but (please say it's true!) more political - "In 2007 we'll tour again with the new record that we're working on now. The box set is the end of an era - it's very much about pulling everything together over the last fifteen years before I jump ship. You have to sense what is going on in the world - it's a really disturbing place right now. A few years ago I had more confidence that people would make the right choices for our leaders in America and they didn't. So therefore it's time to take the gloves off."

and in the same vein, talking about the box set - "The end of an era. The last fifteen years of my life, then I'm going to do something a little different. I've got something up my sleeve. I'm thinking of high heels and creating; my daughter is six now so she can understand that there's a Tori who can't go to school. You can't take that to school. You can take mommy to school, but there's a side that has to now go confront certain issues in America that need to be addressed. I only haven't a certain kind of bush, not the kind that would win presidency in America."

ohhhhhhhhhhh man. i am so fucking excited. i can't wait for Tori to redeem herself, well, not to redeem herself, she's already created so much brilliance, she doesn't need to prove anything. but The Beekeeper was just so disappointing, and i was afraid it was 'the new Tori,' and that we'd never get another taste of the Pele or Choirgirl Tori. but if what comes next is anything like what she's been describing, my fears were unfounded. and i can not wait!

"I have a Warrior Woman inside of me that will come out on the next record."

~*~


this journal is friends only.

please comment and add me to your friends list and i will be happy to add you to mine. ^_^

(friends-only graphic made by herhorizon)

~*~
hah hah, making these is addicting.

gir is love.

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<p><center><img src="http://img6.photobucket.com/albums/v19/zakk_the_faerie/girlove.jpg"><BR><a href="http://www.livejournal.com/users/datura/287007.html">gir is love.</a></center></p>

~*~
i know, i know, another gratuitous color bar, but this one is different...
cause i made it! how exciting, eh?

marilyn manson is love.

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<a href=http://www.livejournal.com/users/datura/286505.html>marilyn manson is love.</a></center></p>